Donald Trump, Steve Ducey, Bimbo, Brian Kilmeade, Therapist
Kilmeade: I get anxious when you call the show… I mean, I love when you call in, but sometimes I just feel a little nervous.
Trump: starts yelling incoherently over Kilmeade “Witch hunt, NO COLLUSION!, we are building the wall” etc.”
Therapist: okay, okay. Only one person speaks at a time. Do we need to go over the rules again? It’s still Brian’s turn. What were you saying about anxiety? Tell us how you feel. What is it that happens right before you feel nervous?
Ducey: I know what Brian’s trying to say. It’s just that, I am there for you man (to Trump), but, like, sometimes it’s difficult to finish a segment or help you make get to the positive stuff when you keep repeating the same statements and don’t answer the interview questions that we agreed upon. Even though we do a practice run with you before we go on air… I don’t ever know what is going to come out of your mouth. I can’t sleep when I know you’re calling into the show the next morning.
Therapist: thank you for sharing, Steve.
Kilmeade: Yeah. Like, last week when Brian asked about ‘infrastructure week’, you responded by saying “witch hunt! no collusion! no collusion! Emails!”
Ducey: We are trying to help you, man. But sometimes I feel like you’re making it really hard.
Therapist: Now Donald, what did you hear Brian and Steve say?
Trump: The economy is better than it’s ever been. The stock market is at a record high! I disarmed North Korea’s Nuclear arsenal. I’m getting us out of Afghanistan. I am the the most successful president in history. When I am on your show, the ratings are the best they’ve ever been. It was failing without me. You’ve never had a better guest than president Donald J. Trump…
Therapist: (cutting trump off) Okay! Wait a minute. Listen to the question, Donald. what did you hear them say?
Trump: that he is ungrateful and dumb as a door-nail! Your show is nothing without me! Terrible ratings.
Bimbo: And then we start to look bad. I feel embarrassed about some of the segments from our show that are repeated on late night TV.
Trump: You mean the Fake News Media! Are you a Democrat?
Ducey: Like, how do we spin Mattis’ resignation?
Kilmeade: And after McConnell’s statement? It’s close to impossible to make that positive.
Trump: I will get a new general, much taller, a very strong jaw and better nickname.
Therapist: Okaaay, I think that’s enough for today.